What Should I Lived For

Hello,everybody. My name is Ethan. I come from China. I would like to testify of God’s love for me through my story.

“Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.”
-Bertrand Russell

When I was in middle high school, I read this passage written by Russell and asked my self what I should lived for. With this question in my mind, I steped into university life when I was 18 years old. At that time, I was determined to pursue love and knowledge as the goal of my life. But my four years of undergraduate study disproved me.

Should I live to pursue wisdom and knowledge? Maybe yes. But when I went a little bit further, which field should I commit myself into? What was my favourite subject? What kind of job would be suitable for me? The first year of my study denied my fancy for the first discipline I chose. Therefore I changed my major. But before long, I came to realised that this was not my favourite neither. I became indecisive and and overcautious to take any action. How much of my youth should pay for the wrong decisions? Who can tell me where my destination is? The greatest sufferings of life is not falling over on the way, but having no idea of where to go at all. I was just like a little boat shivering in an endless tempest with a broken mast.

I was also chasing love. My life goal was once set to live for and bring happiness to my beloved. However, that also proved not to be true. After graduation, I abandoned the opportunity to go to the US for a Master’s degree, and went back to my little hometown to prepare for the graduate entrance examination. Faced with another brand new field and severe competition for the top university in China, the only faith supporting me to go through the the  tough study for half a year is my beloved one in that university. However, the harsh reality deprived me of all the meanings of my life. Not only did I failed in the exam, but I lost my love soon. At that moment, my world collapsed. Insomnia, depression and autism tortured me. locking myself in my room, I refused to meet friends and filled my daily life with computer games like drugs allowing me to escape from the miserable reality for a while. At that moment, I came to realise how superficial my so-called knowledge and wisdom was and how fragile my love was. What should I live for?

I happened to come across an American guy studying in China, who was a christian. Initially, for the purpose of improving my oral English, I decided to talk with him weekly. I still remembered my first visit to a church, while I was singing a worship song, I could not help sheding tears. When I began to read the Bible and pray, peace came into my heart. I gave all my burdens and my future into God’s. After opening my heart to Jesus, everything became clear, Trust in the LORD with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. He taught me what love is, and how to give and receive it. Most importantly, he let me forgive those who had ever hurt me and even pray for them. Since then amazing things happened. Six month ago, I came to Auckland, soon, I acquired an opportunity to study in the University of Auckland, and what’s more, the major I am studying is fascinating to me. Our LORD is faithful, and my prayers have never failed. He led me to the church, provided a place to stay, from which I am able to walk to the campus within 15 minutes and the church in 10 minutes. He blessed me in terms of grade A+ in my paper. Most importantly, in this church, I have experienced great joy and warmth from my brothers and sisters.

Today I resolved to commit myself to the LORD, and spend the rest of my life following him and praising him alone. I live for him alone.